Send me your questions at LDSWeddingQuestions@gmail.com

Monday, January 30, 2012

Uneven Guest List

Question

What do you do if you have a small amount of relatives on one side of the family and a lot of relatives on the other side?
Garret

Answer

A problem usually arises in this instance if you assume the guest lists from each side should be equal in number. That isn’t true. More important than numbers, is relationships. If I have six brothers and sisters and you have one, do I invite my six and you invite your one plus five friends to make up the difference? No.

The best answer is: There has to be a consistent boundary line for all guests, no matter whose family they’re from. For instance, the boundary line could be immediate family. But where is the line, really? What about your stepbrother? Is he invited? What about your sister’s husband . . . ? The line should be as simple as possible. You have to clearly define this line and stick to it. The best method is to find a way to make the boundary line include all the people that both sides want.

Yes, there may be exceptions to the line. If Great-Auntie Dell always sends a card on your birthday and visits regularly, then she should be invited, but it doesn’t mean you have to invite your third cousin who you’ve never met to keep the line perfect. However, anytime you stray from the boundary line, it must be communicated with both the bride and the groom and their families reducing the chances of offense. The allowance should be made both families to invite such exceptions.

No matter what your reasons are for varying outside a consistent boundary, your guests will not all understand. You don’t get to decide if your guests’ feelings are hurt or if they should be offended. This is a place where feelings are very sensitive. So be cautious.

Thanks for the question Garret!

Saturday, January 21, 2012

Salt Lake's Premier Wedding Show

I went to Salt Lake's Premier Wedding Show today at the Joseph Smith Memorial Building and the Lion House. It was a lot of fun and I would recommend it in the future to all brides. It had the usual vendors there to speak to brides and show their wares. But it also had many, many different displays set up, giving brides lots of ideas as to what different looks could bring to their event.

There was a room where brides could make a fresh bouquet, a full room with several caterers able to show off the best of their goods, and a fashion show with over a dozen modest gowns.

The top floor of the Lion House was dedicated to some of the Lion House's own catering wonders. They had dessert crepes filled with one of three cream choices, a blend of berries and 2 toppings. So yummy, I would have waited in the huge line twice if it wasn't taboo. (My mother would have never forgiven me.) They also had crepes filled with chicken and your choice of Pesto or Alfredo sauce. (I get excited just remembering them.) Seriously, Lion House Catering, awesome.

All in all, it really was a great experience. Formal, as the other bridal fair was, but warm and much more welcoming. This fair gave you the feel of, "Hey come in and sit awhile. Talk with your friends and make new ones. Let us help you and show you how beautiful and relaxing your big day can be."

Cultural Hall Decorations

Question

What is the best way to decorate an entire cultural hall? I wanted to do my wedding outside mainly because I wanted to let nature decorate for me.
If it is in the winter though it is really hard to do that and I don't want to pay an arm and a leg for a wedding venue?
~Brittany

Answer

There are many ways to decorate a cultural hall. The options are limited only by your imagination and budget. Lots of beautiful things can be done for very little money. You can bring in “decorations” from your home, borrow from others or rent any number of things at various price ranges. You can hire a decorator to come in and take care of it all for you. Be careful not to spend so much money that it would have been cheaper to just go to another venue.

Here are some ideas that go beyond the “norm” for cultural hall decorations:
  • String wire across the ceiling and weave fabric through it to create a billowy effect.
  • Line the walls with fabric. 
  • Use tables, benches, podiums and other furniture to create levels to decorate. (You can cover less sightly ones with fabric.)
  • Bring in backdrops, pictures, archways, curtains, dividers, furniture from home, flower arrangements, mirrors, etc.
  • Hang twinkling lights or some other alternate lighting (Chinese lanterns are very popular)
  • Decorate tables and other surfaces with linens and creative centerpieces to draw attention (for example: flower arrangements, candles, jars, pictures, etc. )
  • Embellish chairs, by wrapping lengths of fabric around them and adding a flower at the knot
  •  Bring in a canopy or large tent and decorate with lights and flowers
Here are 2 websites that give some general guidance to decorating a cultural hall:
The things they add to what I’ve said is:
  • Don’t feel obligated to decorate the entire room. Close it in a bit using whatever means available (for example: dividers, backdrops, furniture, or curtains)
  • Use linens on the ceiling, walls, tables and floor
  • Add in small touches and details using small props 
  • Don’t limit yourself to the cultural hall (You can also decorate the pathway leading into the reception)
Just remember that it’s a good idea to either decorate the night before the wedding or have someone else do it for you. This will leave you free the next day to concentrate on your wedding and to not be worrying about details.

Thanks for the question Brittany!

Wednesday, January 18, 2012

Receiving Line

Question

Do you have to have a line? We really wanted to take the time to enjoy our wedding instead of being stuck in line ALL night, but others thought it was impolite because that was their only chance to say congratulations. Could a wedding table serve the same purpose and people come to the table?
~Brittany

Answer

You really should have a receiving line. When there is no official line and the couple
is walking through the crowd, or seated at a table the whole time, it doesn’t give all the guests an opportunity to congratulate the couple. It is very important to give your guests this opportunity. You may think that you are more approachable walking around or seated at a table, than in a line. That’s ridiculous! Normal, polite people, who are your parents’ friends, won’t interrupt a conversation you are having just to say, “Hello, I’m an obscure person to you, but I had to buy you a gift and drive all the way down here because I love your mom and dad.” So find a place to stand still to greet your guests who have taken time out of their own busy lives to celebrate this amazing time of your life.

You don’t have to have a receiving line for the entirety of your reception. If you want a chance to mingle, eat, dance or just sit down, at your reception, you can indicate so on the invitation by stating, “Receiving line from 6:00–7:30 p.m., Dancing from 7:30–8:30 p.m.” Or some-such. A great way to handle the ending of a formal receiving line is to send a bridesmaid or groomsman to the end of the line of guests entering and let newcomers know that the receiving line is closing and that they can just go right into the reception.

Tuesday, January 17, 2012

Prioritizing Your Budget

Question

What are some of the more important things to spend your budget on? Like I understand that photos are going to last longer than how many times you will wear your dress, but then again your dress is in the photo. Just not sure how to prioritize my budget.
~Brittany

Answer

How to prioritize your budget is a very personal decision. The bad news is, you're going to have to do it. 

Best way to go about it is: Sit down, with your fiance and individually make a list of the 5 things that matter most to each of you. Now it starts to get hard. Compare your lists. Now narrow them down.

What matters most? That's up to you. But think carefully. Do you want a huge diamond or a big honeymoon? A four course sit down meal or 400 guests? You may have money for everything, but most people don't. Just put your list in order of what matters most to you and put the most money toward it. Then move your way down the list until you run out of budget. 

Don't like where you ran out? Then things mean more to you than you thought. Time to reconsider. Reconsider it time and again. Just don't buy anything until you've settled on what matters most and what matters least, and how much you have for them all. 

Then here's the key: stay within your budget. Remember, just because you don't have a lot of money doesn't mean it can't be great. There are many ways to have a beautiful wedding on a small budget.

Monday, January 16, 2012

Thank You Notes

Question

What is the window of time for sending thank you notes after your wedding. When is it too late?

~Heather

Answer

Emily Post says, and I agree, that you should send thank you notes within three months of the wedding.

When is it too late? Technically after three months, but I personally would rather get a thank you note late than not at all. So I say, start sending the notes as soon as possible and if you have any that would be going out late, send them anyway

Sunday, January 15, 2012

Wedding guest attire

Question

So, when the invitation does not specify dress code, what is the proper attire?

~Sarah

Answer

Great question Sarah. While it's becoming more common for people to put the dress code on the invitation, it's generally done more if it's a formal affair. (For example, black tie or white tie)

If the invitation doesn't specifically state it you can try a number of things to surmise the proper attire.
  • Look at the invitation- Is it engraved? Is it formally worded or more playfully? 
  • What time of day is the reception? Daytime events are less formal than night.
  • Where is it being held? Is it at a church? In a garden? At the beach? Dress appropriately for that venue. 
  • What is the couple like? Are they more likely to have a formal event or more laid back? (Although be careful with your assumptions on this one, people do not always make the same choices regarding a wedding as any other event.)
  • Is this a themed wedding?
Much can be deciphered by paying attention to these cues. If you still don't know what to wear, best to go with a jacket and tie for the men and a nice dress for the ladies.

Many things are true regarding attire no matter what the preferred dress is.
  • It's always better to overdress than under-dress. 
  • Don't overshadow the bride.
  • Always wear something modest.
  • Dress to show respect for the couple and the event.
If all else fails: ask any key member of the bridal party. They will know. 

Saturday, January 14, 2012

Someone Monopolizing the Wedding Plans?

Question

Also, I have a friend whose future mother-in-law is basically taking over all the planning and decision making. He wants to be involved; but she insists it's the bride's job. (However, the bride isn't getting to have things the way she wants, either.) How can he politely let her know that he wants to help, and that the final decisions should be made by him and his fiance? No one wants to cause hard feelings, but it is their wedding, after all...

~Aubree

Answer

The key to this kind of situation is communication. The groom has every right to be involved in the wedding planning. A good general rule of thumb is the bride gets to be the bad guy to her family and the groom gets to be the bad guy to his family. So if the trouble is with the bride's mom, the bride ought to try to handle it saying something like, "Mom, I really wanted Greg to be more involved in the decisions—and he wants to as well." Make sense? Although, if Bride can't handle it then it might be time to start "cleaving unto your spouse" and talk to Mom together.

Mom really should be taking the bridal couple's wishes into consideration. However, there's always a big, "it depends" in every decision making process. It could be that Mom is paying for everything and so feels she gets a bigger say. Or it could be that Bride is forceful when discussing the situation to Groom and friends, but sheepish and passive about it when Mom's around. 

This is why communication is key. Explain to Mom kindly and face to face how you feel. Identify the things you really care about having a say in, and call out the things that you would really like her help with. Thank her for her support and ask her to handle particular aspects instead of the whole affair. 

Best to be kind but clear. This is another problem that can be avoided by having the parent meeting first. Already well immersed in the planning, Aubree? Well then have a parent meeting now. Having all the parties in the same room for the discussion solves a surprisingly lot of problems. It eliminates much of the he-said-she-said. (And when I say discussion, I don't mean details like "Which invitation?" so much as, "Who's in charge of invitations?" Got it?)

Just remember, and I can't say this enough, be kind. She is going to be a part of your lives for a long time. Families are eternal. Try to find a way to get along. From time to time ask yourself, "Is this a hill worth dying on?" Mom loves you and you love her. Let that show in all your interactions. 

Invitations Mailed

Question

How far in advance should wedding invitations be sent out? I've received some that were so far out I forgot about them when the time arrived, and I've gotten some so close to the date that we couldn't make it.

~Aubree

Answer

Wedding Invitations should be mailed 4 to 8 weeks in advance. I know this may seem like a long time out, but you need to allow time for:
  • each invitation to reach its destination (including international ones)
  • RSVPs to be returned
  • any wrong addresses to be returned and resent
  • travel plans to be made for anyone needing them
If it seems inconvenient think that this added time also gives your guests ample time to quilt you a beautiful comforter complete with full profiles and monogrammed names. Or they could whittle you a full chess set. Whatever the reason, it really is best to give your guests plenty of time.

Temple Guests

Question

Since you are an LDS wedding planner I have a question that is uniquely LDS. How do you move forward with a temple wedding if there are close family members that will be unable to come to the temple? How do you have a temple ceremony without hurting close family members, like parents, that want to be there for the actual ceremony?

~Liz

Answer

Temple weddings can be a confusing and sensitive subject for people who are unable to attend. Here is a link to an article on lds.org to better help with this situation. 

You need to talk with them and help them understand how important the temple is to you. You can invite the intimate members of your family who cannot attend the ceremony to come later to the temple to see the bridal couple emerge and to be in the pictures. The temple has a small waiting room where guests not attending the ceremony may wait. Also, most temples will allow the sealer to accompany the couple out to the waiting room to answer any questions and help the family understand.

One other choice is that throughout the nation it is becoming more common to hold a ring ceremony at your reception site in between the sealing ceremony and reception. This is a way to involve those members of your family. It is simple and should not be another wedding ceremony. Someone should speak about the temple and talk about eternal marriage and then the couple may have a simple exchanging of rings. However, this should never overshadow the actual temple ceremony.

Contest Winner!

Thanks so much for all the participation in the contest.

And the winner is...Brittany!

Congratulations Brittany. 

I'm still going to answer all the submitted questions. Come back for the answers and for future contests. And always feel free to ask anything else.

Step-mother Involvement

Question

What would be a good way to involve a step-mother in wedding planning, without stepping on the real mother's toes?

~The Doutt Family

Answer

Thanks for the great question Doutt Family!

Sharing the responsibilities, whether financial or decision making, can be difficult for any wedding. Doing so with a mixed family can be even harder. 

When bride and groom announce their engagement, the first thing that should be done is to have a parent meeting. (See my post on parent meetings.) If all parties can get along fairly well, the best answer would be for step parents to be invited to this crucial decision-making meeting. Then step-mother's role can be easily defined right from the beginning. 

After the bridal couple, traditionally the mother and father of the bride and groom pay, help the most with decisions, and are in the seats of honor at dinner, during toasts, and dancing. But today more and more children are being raised by their step-parents and forming closer and closer bonds with them.

Bow to the bride's prerogative. This is an exciting and stressful time for her. If she wants her mom more involved and her step-mom less involved, or the opposite, try to honor that.  Make an offer in the beginning to the bride to help in any way you can.  Make it clear that you will support her in whatever role she gives you. Then let it be. Love her and support her. Don't pester her—that will only make it worse. Ultimately, problems will be a lot fewer if things are discussed right from the get go, instead of waiting for a clash to arise.

Step-mom: Still don't know what to do now? Ask bride and her mom how you can help and if they don't have anything for you to do try to be supportive and kind. Bride may need you when things get too stressful and she needs a place to go just to relax.

Friday, January 13, 2012

Buying from the Gift Registry

Question

As a guest - should I stick to the registry or can I go offbook and get something else for the couple?

~Anonymous

Answer

Thank you so much for your question! Remember, if you want to be entered into the contest, you have to be following the blog and tell me your name.

As a guest at a wedding you can buy the couple whatever you like. The registry is just a guide. The registry used to be so the couple could choose a china pattern or silver set and then guests could come and buy portions of the set (as one full set was costly).

However, gift registries have since become a couple's wish list. These lists are filled with things that the couple specifically wants or, air-quotes, "needs", but I personally believe that a gift should say something about the giver. I myself like to choose things that I got for my own wedding that were unexpected and perfect.

So..Yes, you have to buy a gift from the registry and No, you can buy the couple whatever you deem fit.

Comments

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Thursday, January 12, 2012

Weddings in Season

Question
Are weddings best to plan for the winter, fall, spring or summer?

Answer

Thanks for being the first to ask a question during the contest! 

You can plan a wedding for any particular season and no season is best, but each season impacts your plans differently.

When choosing your season keep in mind a few things:
  • Flowers are cheaper if bought in season
  • Colors are easier to find in season (for instance: oranges are a lot easier to come by in the fall than in the spring)
  • Do you want an outdoor reception? Keeping guests comfortable can be a lot more difficult and costly in some seasons (for example, winter in cold climates).
  • Lots of brides choose Summer weddings, so many vendors are busier then.
     
Other things in the year impact your planning often more than season.
  • If you live in a college town (or even sometimes if you don't) the breaks in the semesters tend to be over-packed.
  • How long do you want your engagement to be? (Long engagements can be hard.)
  • Do you want to avoid any major holidays? (Yes!)
  • This is when your anniversary will be forever. (That's right forever. You will always be celebrating your anniversary during this time. Every year. For all time. For real. Think about it.)
Many things (like flowers and hotel rooms) tend to be more expensive around holidays like Valentine's and Mother's Day. And most venues book up quickly for anytime in June. Christmas is a crazy time of year and summer can be sweltering. But the short answer is, every season (or time of year) has its problems and its benefits. Season shouldn't really be the determining factor. So, choose what best suits you. 

Win a $25 gift card to Olive Garden!

Hey members of my blog! 

Ask me a wedding related question in this comment stream and I'll enter your name in a drawing for a free $25 gift card to Olive Garden. Ask two questions, get entered twice and so on and so on!

Not a member of my blog? Click to "Join this site" and ask your questions. This contest will run from now until Saturday at 5pm when I'll announce the winner!

Good luck!

We the management reserve the right to not enter your name because your question is just yanking my chain. Void where prohibited.

Coming Soon!

I have a book being published!

"Your LDS Wedding Planner: A Guide to a Stunning Wedding" is set to be released on March 13th, published by Cedar Fort. It's a wedding reference guide with a detailed checklist to get you from "I'm engaged" to "What do I pack in my emergency kit?" and through past the honeymoon. Keep checking my blog for advice, to ask your questions, for free give-aways and also to pre-order my book!

Monday, January 9, 2012

Invitation Wording- No children please

It is an etiquette faux pas to add the words, "No children please" or "Adults only please" to a wedding invitation. Technically, anyone not listed on the envelope is not invited and so, unless you list the children, the invitee should not bring them. 

However. Some room must be given to culture. We as LDS people tend to include and invite children very often. People generally assume the whole family is invited unless otherwise stated. So what do you do? Do you breech etiquette and let your guests know that children are not invited on the invitation? Or do you pray the kids don't come?

I know one guest that was not informed of the "adults only"-ness of a reception, and so went along with her 8 children in tow. When she arrived at the event, she was met by a hired babysitter (who was a teenager she didn't know) who informed the guest, that she would care for the children while the guest attended the reception. Well the guest had 8 kids! Including infant twins. How excited do you think she was about this arrangement? It would have been way better to alert her before the reception, so she could decide what to do with her children and have them cared for under her own conditions. 

It's worth the slight breech in etiquette to inform parents to leave the little ones at home to accommodate for our family friendly LDS culture. While this may be a breech of etiquette, the purpose of etiquette is not to blindly follow advice passed down by our mothers. The purpose is to ensure that human interactions proceed as smoothly as possible without hurt feelings. If you know someone will probably bring their children unless told otherwise and you don't want them to, then you should let the know. You shouldn't just blindside them at the event. How is that polite? Etiquette is about polite. Believe me it will make the whole experience less stressful and more joyful.

Friday, January 6, 2012

Salt Lake Bridal Showcase

I went to the Salt Lake Bridal Showcase tonight. I was able to visit every booth and it was a lot of fun. Most of the vendors there would be useful for an LDS wedding. I was surprised by the dresses on display; overall they were not modest and certainly not temple appropriate. Many a dress shop and designer reassured me that they do have modest dresses, or could alter their dresses to make them modest. But I was surprised by how few of the dresses on display portrayed that. Interesting for a city with such a high LDS population. 

Anyway, some of the vendors there were fantastic. Here are a few that stood out to me:
  • Shutter Booth - This is a photo booth for your guests. It's quite the new craze. It fits somewhere around 10 people at a time. Your guests go in, have candid photos taken, and come away with a strip printed just for them, with your wedding logo printed on it. You also get a copy either printed for you and put into a book (that your guests can sign) or saved to a disc. Now how fun is that! By the way, the owners will stay and monitor your booth to help keep things G rated.
  • Laughing Gravy - These guys are DJs and Emcees that provide the whole shebang. They bring in lights, music, a DJ and even have karaoke. You get to choose the playlist and they have hours of music for you to choose from. Tell them what you like or what you don't like and they'll accommodate. 
  • Ambrosia Wedding Cakes - Heather Berntsen creates these beautiful and delicious cakes. She'll give you ideas or create one from your own vision. Give her a call. As she put it,"ambrosia is the food for the gods."
  • Goodwood Barbecue Company - What sets Jenny McAffee (Catering Director) apart from the rest is her flexibility and great attitude. She truly believes this is your special day and whatever you want can be done. She will provide anything from a full service sit down meal, to drop off buffet food, to delivering the dishes for you to serve your grandma's lasagna in. She's kind and capable and has a great product to stand behind. I highly recommend her and the Goodwood Barbecue Company.
  • Stronger Marriage - This Utah government agency was there helping to promote not only a successful wedding but a successful marriage. They are dedicated to helping couples to turn me into we. They believe that a wedding is a great time to begin practicing how you as a couple will deal with hard decisions, such as: communication, budgeting, and the in-laws. And I agree wholeheartedly. 
Well those are some of the highlights. Check it out yourself! The Bridal Showcase goes through Saturday, January 7, is at the Salt Palace, and costs $7. (A $2 off coupon can be printed here.)

Wednesday, January 4, 2012

MSN's Budget Tips

There is an article on MSN today with 50 budget tips for brides. Here's the link:


Parts of it can't be used for an LDS wedding, but much of it is helpful. Some of my favorites are:

  • have a smaller guest list
  • serve dessert instead of dinner
  • have a small wedding cake and serve guests from a sheet cake
  • use a playlist instead of a band (I'd even throw in to have a friend play DJ.)
  • use in-season flowers (I also suggest silk flowers which can be quite cheap.)
  • shop post-holiday sales
  • borrow or rent items, instead of buying (This can be applied to your dress, jewelry, decorations, tables and chairs, linens, vases, etc.)

Another of their suggestions is to be clear with your potential vendors about the budget you are willing to spend, so you don't shop outside of your price range. I would be careful. People in sales love to up-sell. I would undercut your budget slightly to them, giving you wiggle room. That will help so that when they pull out all the stops and mention cutesy little individual wedding cakes for each guest, you might have room to add on.