Facebook and Your Wedding

Facebook is taking over the world. It's fast. It's easy. You can tell hundreds of people something in mere seconds. But as Spiderman knows, "with great power comes great responsibility". With everything so easily shared on social networks you need to be careful. Here's a link to an article about being careful to not let Facebook ruin your wedding. (5 ways Facebook can ruin your wedding)

It's key points are:

• Don't let your family and close friends find out on Facebook - not cool, definitely not cool.
• People can post mean things about your wedding plans
• People assume they're invited to your wedding
• People think RSVP-ing using Facebook is good enough - Although in this tech savvy world, it is becoming more popular to create a wedding website and let your guests RSVP using this method.
• Things aren't private anymore - because people post pictures of everything from their big day to a stranger's most embarrassing moments.

All in all, social networks can be a great tool. Just be careful. Nothing on the internet is really private, no matter how many walls you put up.  

Someone Monopolizing the Wedding Plans?

Question

Also, I have a friend whose future mother-in-law is basically taking over all the planning and decision making. He wants to be involved; but she insists it's the bride's job. (However, the bride isn't getting to have things the way she wants, either.) How can he politely let her know that he wants to help, and that the final decisions should be made by him and his fiance? No one wants to cause hard feelings, but it is their wedding, after all...

~Aubree

Answer

The key to this kind of situation is communication. The groom has every right to be involved in the wedding planning. A good general rule of thumb is the bride gets to be the bad guy to her family and the groom gets to be the bad guy to his family. So if the trouble is with the bride's mom, the bride ought to try to handle it saying something like, "Mom, I really wanted Greg to be more involved in the decisions—and he wants to as well." Make sense? Although, if Bride can't handle it then it might be time to start "cleaving unto your spouse" and talk to Mom together.

Mom really should be taking the bridal couple's wishes into consideration. However, there's always a big, "it depends" in every decision making process. It could be that Mom is paying for everything and so feels she gets a bigger say. Or it could be that Bride is forceful when discussing the situation to Groom and friends, but sheepish and passive about it when Mom's around. 

This is why communication is key. Explain to Mom kindly and face to face how you feel. Identify the things you really care about having a say in, and call out the things that you would really like her help with. Thank her for her support and ask her to handle particular aspects instead of the whole affair. 

Best to be kind but clear. This is another problem that can be avoided by having the parent meeting first. Already well immersed in the planning, Aubree? Well then have a parent meeting now. Having all the parties in the same room for the discussion solves a surprisingly lot of problems. It eliminates much of the he-said-she-said. (And when I say discussion, I don't mean details like "Which invitation?" so much as, "Who's in charge of invitations?" Got it?)

Just remember, and I can't say this enough, be kind. She is going to be a part of your lives for a long time. Families are eternal. Try to find a way to get along. From time to time ask yourself, "Is this a hill worth dying on?" Mom loves you and you love her. Let that show in all your interactions. 

Step-mother Involvement

Question

What would be a good way to involve a step-mother in wedding planning, without stepping on the real mother's toes?

~The Doutt Family

Answer

Thanks for the great question Doutt Family!

Sharing the responsibilities, whether financial or decision making, can be difficult for any wedding. Doing so with a mixed family can be even harder. 

When bride and groom announce their engagement, the first thing that should be done is to have a parent meeting. (See my post on parent meetings.) If all parties can get along fairly well, the best answer would be for step parents to be invited to this crucial decision-making meeting. Then step-mother's role can be easily defined right from the beginning. 

After the bridal couple, traditionally the mother and father of the bride and groom pay, help the most with decisions, and are in the seats of honor at dinner, during toasts, and dancing. But today more and more children are being raised by their step-parents and forming closer and closer bonds with them.

Bow to the bride's prerogative. This is an exciting and stressful time for her. If she wants her mom more involved and her step-mom less involved, or the opposite, try to honor that.  Make an offer in the beginning to the bride to help in any way you can.  Make it clear that you will support her in whatever role she gives you. Then let it be. Love her and support her. Don't pester her—that will only make it worse. Ultimately, problems will be a lot fewer if things are discussed right from the get go, instead of waiting for a clash to arise.

Step-mom: Still don't know what to do now? Ask bride and her mom how you can help and if they don't have anything for you to do try to be supportive and kind. Bride may need you when things get too stressful and she needs a place to go just to relax.

Well, I'm engaged. What now? — Parent Meeting

Yay! You're engaged! It's hard to know where to start when you get engaged. Do I buy my dress first? book a caterer? start a guest list? choose a ring? Well I'll tell you. 

First things first: have a meeting with you, your fiance and all parents. I call this the parent meeting. Many things should be handled at this meeting. Your agenda should include: introducing everyone; discussing a date, time and place for the wedding; choosing your wedding party; sharing preliminary ideas (such as people you have connections to that can help); and most importantly determine a budget and specifically decide how the expenses will be shared.

Discussing these things face to face right at the beginning will save everyone a lot of trouble throughout the whole planning process. It will help everyone to know what they're in charge of and what they can stay out of.

You may think some things are obvious or commonly agreed upon. Never assume that. Different people have very different ideas about what the same thing means. It brings to mind the stories from my childhood of Amelia Bedelia the literal housekeeper who "When she weeds the garden, she replants the weeds. And when she pitches a tent, she throws it into the woods."

Be specific in exactly who's taking care of what. And what does "taking care of" really mean? Does it mean paying for, planning, executing, or some combination of those? And who gets the final say? Trust me you'll be happier later if you clear these things up before they're a problem.

It's much easier to say at the beginning, "Don't make the food at home. I really don't want the stress of coordinating the food for my reception. I'll pay for a caterer just to give me peace of mind." Better that than trying to tell your aunt the same thing after she's already stayed up all night making gallons of her chicken salad that you can't help fearing will give everyone hives.