Someone Monopolizing the Wedding Plans?

Question

Also, I have a friend whose future mother-in-law is basically taking over all the planning and decision making. He wants to be involved; but she insists it's the bride's job. (However, the bride isn't getting to have things the way she wants, either.) How can he politely let her know that he wants to help, and that the final decisions should be made by him and his fiance? No one wants to cause hard feelings, but it is their wedding, after all...

~Aubree

Answer

The key to this kind of situation is communication. The groom has every right to be involved in the wedding planning. A good general rule of thumb is the bride gets to be the bad guy to her family and the groom gets to be the bad guy to his family. So if the trouble is with the bride's mom, the bride ought to try to handle it saying something like, "Mom, I really wanted Greg to be more involved in the decisions—and he wants to as well." Make sense? Although, if Bride can't handle it then it might be time to start "cleaving unto your spouse" and talk to Mom together.

Mom really should be taking the bridal couple's wishes into consideration. However, there's always a big, "it depends" in every decision making process. It could be that Mom is paying for everything and so feels she gets a bigger say. Or it could be that Bride is forceful when discussing the situation to Groom and friends, but sheepish and passive about it when Mom's around. 

This is why communication is key. Explain to Mom kindly and face to face how you feel. Identify the things you really care about having a say in, and call out the things that you would really like her help with. Thank her for her support and ask her to handle particular aspects instead of the whole affair. 

Best to be kind but clear. This is another problem that can be avoided by having the parent meeting first. Already well immersed in the planning, Aubree? Well then have a parent meeting now. Having all the parties in the same room for the discussion solves a surprisingly lot of problems. It eliminates much of the he-said-she-said. (And when I say discussion, I don't mean details like "Which invitation?" so much as, "Who's in charge of invitations?" Got it?)

Just remember, and I can't say this enough, be kind. She is going to be a part of your lives for a long time. Families are eternal. Try to find a way to get along. From time to time ask yourself, "Is this a hill worth dying on?" Mom loves you and you love her. Let that show in all your interactions.