Step-mother Involvement

Question

What would be a good way to involve a step-mother in wedding planning, without stepping on the real mother's toes?

~The Doutt Family

Answer

Thanks for the great question Doutt Family!

Sharing the responsibilities, whether financial or decision making, can be difficult for any wedding. Doing so with a mixed family can be even harder. 

When bride and groom announce their engagement, the first thing that should be done is to have a parent meeting. (See my post on parent meetings.) If all parties can get along fairly well, the best answer would be for step parents to be invited to this crucial decision-making meeting. Then step-mother's role can be easily defined right from the beginning. 

After the bridal couple, traditionally the mother and father of the bride and groom pay, help the most with decisions, and are in the seats of honor at dinner, during toasts, and dancing. But today more and more children are being raised by their step-parents and forming closer and closer bonds with them.

Bow to the bride's prerogative. This is an exciting and stressful time for her. If she wants her mom more involved and her step-mom less involved, or the opposite, try to honor that.  Make an offer in the beginning to the bride to help in any way you can.  Make it clear that you will support her in whatever role she gives you. Then let it be. Love her and support her. Don't pester her—that will only make it worse. Ultimately, problems will be a lot fewer if things are discussed right from the get go, instead of waiting for a clash to arise.

Step-mom: Still don't know what to do now? Ask bride and her mom how you can help and if they don't have anything for you to do try to be supportive and kind. Bride may need you when things get too stressful and she needs a place to go just to relax.